Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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