hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
