He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I have aggressive nipples.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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