Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
