can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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