Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
