Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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