You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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