The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
