I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
