I think I won the penis lottery.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
