What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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