Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
