Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
