i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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