My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
