for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
