i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
