Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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