she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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