Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
