I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
