why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
