party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
