Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
