a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
