I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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