he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
