I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
