dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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