I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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