Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize