Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
love makes seman taste better
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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