so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
