i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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