weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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