I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
