I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize