she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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