Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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