I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
