I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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