Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
