Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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