I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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