You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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