I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
