I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
