i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
