Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
