theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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