he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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