i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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