i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I wish you could order shots online.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
