$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
