Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
