Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
